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Archive for the ‘Family Management’ Category


Are Boys Raised to be Mean?

Aug 11, 2009 Author: Jessy | Filed under: Family Management, Think About It

I recently had an experience that made me question how parents are raising their sons. We were at a party when a boy repeatedly bullied her, no matter how many times I tried to interfere. My daughter is not used to people being mean to her, she is used to playing well and sharing with others because that is what I expect of her. I want my daughter to play with nice kids, I want her to know that all boys are not mean, and I don’t want my son to learn this type of negative behavior.

Is it just that these boys are “All Boy”? I don’t think so at all. I think that parents allow for more slack in their parenting with boys and don’t correct their children’s behaviors with the excuse that they are just boys being boys. I guarantee right now that I will expect the same level of appropriate and kind behavior out of my son as I do out of my daughter. I will not let him be mean.

I think many parents are confusing mean bullying style children with being tough. They don’t want their boys to be looked at as sissy’s so they instead turn their heads to ignore mean behavior so their son learns how to be tough. No that is not a tough kid, that is a mean kid. Tough kids, have not been coddled and their parents have taught them when they are not really injured how to toughen up and not to melt down over a scratch. A tough kid is the kid that can fall down have two skinned knees, skinned elbows and scratched forehead, spit on their injuries to get them clean and go continue to play.

The good thing that came out of my daughter being bullied was that I had a teaching conversation with her to help her to deal with this type of behavior. By the time we were ready to leave she was telling him when he was being mean, “Please don’t be mean to me, that hurts my feelings!” I got to explain to her that if this happens at a school it is never OK for people to hit you and that you should tell an adult so they can correct their behavior. My daughter is going to preschool in a month and hopefully this experience will help her deal with mean children.

You know what else drives me nuts when parents say something but don’t follow through with what they are telling their child. Here is an example, “No, no, Frankie, don’t tease. Don’t steal toys. You need to share.” These parents are just saying these things and doing absolutely nothing to correct the behavior. These parents need to walk up to their kids, look them in the eyes, make sure they are listening give the message and give them a consequence for their actions. If my kids take a toy from another kid, I tell them, “Don’t steal toys, it is not nice.” I make them give it back. If my kids tease they will get a time out, no question. I am still trying to figure out if these parents without follow through are spineless parents or lazy parents? I would rather sit down, socialize with my friends and yell from a distance to pretend like I am correcting their behavior, but really it does no good to just pretend. I will stop my conversation, and risk not being able to relax, in order to teach my children the correct and kind way to behave.

Sometimes people want their children to be popular and allow them to be mean to others, allow them to exclude others, allow them to snub others and generally not be kind. If this is what popular kids do I would rather my children be geeks and have a few, quality friends that care about each other.

I want my children to be kind, and I do not sit aside and just hope that they will figure out how to be kind on their own, I will constantly correct their behavior and teach them how to be good, kind, thoughtful people. I also raise my kids to be physically tough and not sissy’s but that does not mean they can be mean. I will never stand aside and allow my child to bully another child. I want my children to play with nice kind children, I want them to understand that a quality friendship is made with people who care about you and are kind. If children are bullies and are mean are becoming what is considered appropriate behavior, I will do whatever I can to protect my children even if that means private or home schooling.

Attachment Issues with Baby

Jul 28, 2009 Author: Jessy | Filed under: Family Management, Think About It

I was reflecting on when my daughter was a newborn and how I did not feel specifically attached to her but did not want to admit it to anyone.    I thought it was due to my lack of sleep or the fact that she cried so much.  I nursed my baby and I never had that feeling of utter happiness that you are supposed to have once you have nursing mastered and look down at your happy baby.   I remember I wanted to try formula right away,  because I felt like I needed to be myself again and I thought that it might make her cry less.  It was summer and I felt stuck in the house, it was nice outside and I couldn’t even figure out how to get to the grocery store,  let alone how to pack up a baby and go anywhere while nursing.
I remember very clearly that  I would sit and rock her while nursing her and I would think to myself that she was my sisters baby.  I would think things to myself like when your mom comes over tomorrow, referring to my sister, or I would say, I need to call your mom, before I picked up the phone to call my sister.   I don’t know if this was because she had a baby 6 months before me, so I was used to seeing her as the mom, or if I really did not think that this baby that I was so excited to have, felt like mine.

It could also have been the fact that I had a c-section and I was stuck at home for 6 weeks without driving myself anywhere, during the most beautiful, summertime weather.  I could not swim, I could not go for walks, I could not exercise.  I could not figure out who I was.  I did not have that new mom glow that I thought I would have.  I wanted to have a natural birth, I wanted to be able to push my baby around in my new stroller and feel good, I wanted to be able to enjoy my summer and be able to bring my baby with me everywhere like I envisioned.   When I was with her I could not figure out how to take a shower or type an e-mail without having her in the other arm.  It was a total shock to my system and did not help with my bonding.

I don’t think I was as good of a new mom as I could have been if I would have felt more comfortable around her.  She cried alot and I did not feel like I could comfort her effectively. The fog that I felt, lasted about 8 weeks.  Eight weeks was when I rushed back to work to help myself feel more like me.  I remember being asked by my gynecologist at the 6 week appointment if I have been sad and I answered that I did not feel sad.  She did not ask if I felt like I was bonding with my baby or if I felt happy being a mom which I think would have been more applicable questions in my situation.  I wonder would I have answered honestly?  I don’t know, I really liked my OB but I did not want anyone to think I was a bad mom or did not love my baby because what kind of person does not love their beautiful baby girl?

If  there are new moms who feel this type of fog or lack of attachment, or feel like they need to regain their life back right away,  there might have attachment issues.  It might be a case of the baby blues or postpartum depression.   Please speak honestly with your OB/GYN to see if they think this is something that you might need help getting through.

Today I adore my daughter and I can say that I know I did not know what I was really signing up for when I wanted to get pregnant.  I was happy to have my son and never felt that fog that I had with my daughter was a newborn, I also felt the sense of love that I think you should feel right away for my son and I knew he was mine.   It took me about 12 weeks before I felt that sense of love with my daughter.  I am grateful that I was able to get over it but it sure might have made both of our lives easier if I would have figured it out earlier.

I was able to be present at the most perfect delivery of my baby neice today.  My sister in law waited until she was 5 cm dialated before going to the hospital at 9:30 AM, they gave her an epidural at 6 cm and it was perfect, no pain at all, it was so good she needed pitocin to augment the labor but still no pain.  We laughed, told stories, and had a fantastically stress free experience.  The baby was delivered at 2:50 PM and there was still no pain, no ripping, and she delivered her face up. Both mom and baby were completely healthy, the baby was 3 weeks early and only 5 lb 4 oz. When the nurse asked my sister in law what the level of her pain was she replied she had no pain at all.

The parts that I find interesting about births are that everyone wants to be there to share in the excitement and see your baby right when it was born. The problem with that is that babies come out long before afterbirth.  When your parents want to walk into the room you have a baby in your arms but your crotch exposed to the world as they wait for the afterbirth to be delivered.  I remember with my sisters birth, everyone wanted to rush into the room when the baby came and that was the point when she was completely exposed in stirups as the Dr. sewed her up and delivered her afterbirth and cleaned her up.   So the parts of you that you wanted to keep private from your friends and family have now been shown in full bloody view.

Now even after your sewn up and cleaned up now you have the flocks of people waiting to see the baby and if you want to nurse the first thing the baby wants to do is nurse.  So you have to try to do something completely new and uncomfortable to you and people are pressuring you to let them come into the room.  Now the time when you need to be completely relaxed and bond with your baby you are not comfortable exposing your friends and family to your breasts, and the way the Nurses always disrobe you completely to have the baby up against your skin you are totally out in the open with no way to cover yourself up.

Maybe other people do not have an issue with this and think that this is a normal part of life to expose the parts of you that have never been exposed except in the most intimate of circumstances to your whole family and friends.  I think hospitals need to come up with a plan to make it so that new mothers have some privacy bonding time with their new children before visitors are allowed to enter, maybe 2 hours after giving birth. I know I requested it from my family after the birth of my daughter and I do not feel guilty about that decision at all, by the time my son was born I knew how to ask my friends and family to step outside without guilt but that was not something that came easy for my first.   Good luck with your birth experience. I hope you have a perfect delivery like my sister in law but maybe come up with a plan for after you give birth so you can bond with your baby and not completely expose yourself to your friends and family.

My daughter came down with a fever and a sore throat last weekend on Thursday night.  Friday morning she woke me up by telling me she thought she was going to throw up, I spent that night sleeping in a recliner with my daughter sleeping on the couch because I did not want my daughter to throw up in her bed and definitely not in my bed.  Besides her initial stomach upset, and thankfully no vomiting, she also had a fever.  She laid around on the couch and watched TV, and I kept her in the house that whole day while giving her ibuprofen.  She was up Friday night with a fever of 102 and her throat hurt, she kept moaning all night long.  This was night two with a fever.  I gave her Tylenol on Saturday and ibuprofen and she relaxed on the couch again all day.  The next morning on Sunday, I brought her into Urgent Care because her throat still hurt and she still had a fever.  When I got her into the clinic, they checked her temp and she had a temp of 99.5 while on Ibuprofen and Tylenol.  They felt her glands which were swollen, they checked her throat and it looked clearly inflamed so they tested her for Strep throat.   The rapid strep test came back negative but the Urgent Care Doctor sent her home with a weeks supply of antibiotic because he said there was clearly a sign of infection in her throat and he was hoping the antibiotics would take care of it.  One more night of a sore throat and and the next day she was good as new, no more fever or sore throat.  She had a slight cough and runny nose but she was eating again and happy as a clam and ready to go play. I kept her away from all other children besides her brother until her fever was gone and she was on antibiotics for 24 hours.

One week later, on Friday night my son developed a fever. He was moaning but still sleeping all night.  Even if he can’t talk to tell me how he feels, I knew what his sister felt the previous weekend, so I medicated him and he fell back to sle Yesterday he wanted to be held all morning.  A friend of mine shared that her daughter had been diagnosed with H1N1 at their doctors office in Woodbury the day before so it made me wonder.  I found out what the symptoms were for her child and they were high fever for 36  hours, sore throat and coughing.  I said wow that sounds similar to my kids symptoms.  Yesterday afternoon I made an appointment for my son at the same Urgent Care office my daughter visited one week prior.  I told the Dr his symptoms informed him that I wanted him tested for H1N1.  They ran the tests on him, he had a fever of 100 while on Tylenol and Ibuprofen, they felt his throat, his glands were inflamed, they checked his throat, it showed signs of infection, they gave swabbed him for the strep test, and they also quickly swabbed his nose for the Influenza test.   I also made sure that the Dr. knew that his sister had the same exact symptoms the week prior and that she was good as new in three days. The Dr left to bring the samples to the lab.  I sat in the exam room and waited. My little guy fell asleep while I hugged him on my chest for the 30 minute wait and I almost fell asleep myself when there was finally a knock on the door.   The Dr. came back in and said that the strep test came back negative but that my son tested positive for Influenza A and that he was prescribing him Tamiflu.  I knew from research that this is what they used for H1N1 cases and asked if this meant he had H1N1?  He said that they are basically the same thing, and that they are treating them the same way.   He informed me that his sister probably had the flu the previous weekend but that I did not have to test her or give her Tamiflu because she is healthy now.  He told me to keep my son away from anyone who has heart disease, diabetes, elderly, very young babies, and pregnant women until all of his symptoms clear up.  He told me to take good care of myself.   I said OK and walked in a state of shock out to my car while holding my sleeping toddler.

How does this happen to my kids?  They don’t go to a daycare, they are not in school, they are healthy clean kids. we have not been anyplace where I noticed sick children, of course I had brought them on our normal weekly outings, the zoo, the parks, the grocery store, Walmart so I guess they could have been exposed anywhere, I just expected this to be the diagnosis made at a daycare center not with my children who stay at home with mom.

I dropped off the prescription at the pharmacy and went home to wait to pick it up.  When I walked up to the house my husbands parents had stopped over for a visit so I had to tell the first visitors that my son has Influenza A which they are treating as if it could be H1N1.

I picked up the phone to the CDC because I still had questions that I did not think to ask the Dr. I got a CDC representative specializing in H1N1 on the phone.  I told him my situation and asked how my friends child who lives 2 towns away and my two children can have this condition and the CDC website only shows that there are 395 confirmed cases in Minnesota?  He informed me that all samples of Influenza A need to be sent in to the CDC or state department of health to be tested before the H1N1 diagnosis can be confirmed but it is not required that all clinics send in the samples for testing.  He asked me to contact my clinic to request they send my sons positive Influenza A test in for H1N1 diagnosis.

Then on my way to pick up my son’s prescription of Tami flu I was so worried that it was going to be hundreds of dollars but that I would of course still choose to give it to my son.  The pharmacist who came to the window to ask if I had any questions about this medication and I said what does this medication do?  He said it helps the flu run its course faster and help the children to fight the flu virus easier,  he also mentioned that there has been a lot of Tamiflu being administered in the last couple of days.  He said that most Doctors are being safe for all Influenza A positive patients in the risk categories of under age 5, the elderly or sick and prescribing Tamiflu.   I told him I am OK with that because with my toddler I would rather be safe than sorry.  Thankfully the cost was only $30 with my insurance, the retail cost was $65.99 for Tamiflu.

I administered my 17 month old his first dose of Tamiflu last night, I made sure he was medicated before bed. He slept quietly all night long. His eyes looked normal and happy this morning.  He still had a fever but he was outside playing and running around again in the yard and eating normally again today.   I have a lot of guilt and feel horrible while having to tell everyone that I exposed to my son and daughter to over this past week, that my son tested positive for Influenza A.  I brought my daughter to Urgent Care 7 days ago, why did the Urgent Care Doctor not even mention or test for Influenza A?  If I knew she had the the flu, one week ago I would never have exposed either of my children to anyone.

I have to admit I am thankful if this is the extent of this flu and my children are handling it just fine.  For this horrible hyped up, frightening, H1N1 Pandemic scare, that the news has been hyping up, and the CDC has raised to threat level to 6.  I read today that 98% of Influenza A tests that have been tested to see if they are H1N1 are coming back positive for H1N1, so I am going to assume that they probably have H1N1 until I receive the test result back.

My children tested positive for Influenza A and it does not make me a bad mom. I want others to know that this horrible, news worthy flu has been no worse for my children than a regular cold.  I would rather have my children have this Influenza A then have a stomach flu or an ear infection any day.    So if your children test positive to Influenza A, give them pain medication to keep down their fevers and discomfort, get the Tamiflu and keep them at home as the CDC recommends.  Kids get sick, and when they get better they become stronger!

Wishing you good health!

Happy Fourth Birthday Boo!

Jun 16, 2009 Author: Jessy | Filed under: Family Management, Short Stories

Tonight is the eve of the birth of my four year old little girl.  I am reflecting on where I was right now four years ago.

We planned to get pregnant and were very grateful when after 5 months of trying we were able to conceive a baby. We chose that it was going to remain a surprise  and that we were not going to find out the sex of the baby. I remember the first time I felt my baby move I was 17 weeks pregnant and I was sitting downstairs watching a movie with my husband when I felt the rapid tap, tap, tap of something that felt like popcorn in my abdomen. It was the most magical thing I could ever experience.  The first time that I knew that I was growing a life inside of me and that it was no longer just a heartbeat on a monitor.

We had our first ultrasound at 20 weeks and it was awesome to see the baby flipping around in my stomach.  I have to admit I did feel a bit cheated during the ultrasounds because anytime there was the possibility to see the genitals they turned the monitor away so I did not get to watch the whole ultrasound like people who wanted to find out the gender.  But I ended up with some fantastic ultrasound pictures.

The weeks went by and I had a great pregnancy, I ate everything, relaxed, put my feet up whenever I could and truly enjoyed the experience and gained weight happily.  At 36 weeks I went in for my first pelvic exam and when I stepped on the scale they noticed a very large change from the previous 2 weeks weight, I had gained over 10 lbs! I knew my ankles and feet were swollen, but I did not realize how swollen I was.  Then they took my blood pressure and it had skyrocketed from my normal healthy blood pressure up to that point. I was diagnosed with pregnancy related high blood pressure and edema. I was then put on bed rest.

It was very challenging to relax, lay down on my left side and ask for help for everything.   On day two of my bed rest I was not careful and was not  and ended up having to go to the hospital because I was seeing stars due to the high blood pressure and I had to spend the night in the hospital.  I promised I would be careful and was able to go home for the remainder of my pregnancy. Thank goodness for the Sex in the City DVD box set my husband bought me to pass the time!

I had ultrasounds every other day for the last 2 weeks  which was really cool and I was totally effaced and dilated to 2.  On June 15th , I was finally given the all clear to go in for an induction on June 16th.  We woke up at 6 AM, got permission to check in to the hospital, took some pictures and video of our last minutes at home as a couple before we became parents.  We drove scared and excited to the hospital, parked, walked in to the delivery area, checked into the room where I was going to deliver my baby, was hooked up to monitors, IV’s and induced with pitocin.

Within an hour the strong contractions started and within 2 hours my water was broke, then the pain really started.  I had to try to stay calm with my high blood pressure and was not able to move around to speed delivery and was stuck on my left side to keep my blood pressure down. I asked for an epidural at about 1 PM, three hours after induction.  It worked for a while but it started to fade quickly.  They kept checking me and I was always at 5, I never made it past 6 cm.  They soon realized that my baby was face up and not descending down the birth canal to help me dilate, and I could not change positions to help it move.  I was told at 10 PM that they thought I should have a c-section.

I was at this point so swollen from the swelling and IV fluids that my hospital bracelet that was loose upon check in was skin tight on my wrist, my fingers, toes and feet were so swollen my skin hurt and my blood pressure was 150/110 but thankfully my baby was never in distress. I was now on the wait list to get into the Operating room behind multiple emergency c-sections.  Unfortunately my epidural was completely not working at this point and the anesthesiologist was stuck in the operating room and could not help with my pain.

Finally at 1 AM after signing my life away on forms, I was wheeled into the operating room for my turn at a c-section.  They bumped up my epidural to the point where I could not move my legs and strapped me down on the table, as I lay there getting prepped, I listened to Jack Johnson on the speakers of that bright white room. This is when the shaking started, I was shaking uncontrollably almost jumping up and down on the table and my blood pressure was still super high. They started cutting me open and I could feel the heat from the incision, I said I can feel that!  They said OK, and gave me a shot of something to help, Jon was now ushered into the room and he saw me so pale and shaking on this table and he is not a surgery guy, he was sooo scared. I was scared myself, and I was trying to reassure him that I was going to be OK.  I remember the jerking and pulling and then they pulled out my baby.  They announced it is a girl!  I said oh what color is her hair?  (I had to ask since Jon was a redhead at birth.)  The nurse told me that she had a full head of black hair.  The whole operating room sang Happy Birthday to my baby as they were drying her off and checking her out.  She was healthy and beautiful!  7 lbs and 3 oz. 191/2 inches long. I was able to look at my baby but not hold her. Jon was torn what to do, I told him not to leave the baby.

When he left the room I knew something was wrong because I looked at the anesthesiologist and asked him not to let me die. He reassured me that I was not going to die. I ended up loosing a lot of blood due to my blood pressure, I spent 2 hours in recovery before they finally let me see my baby.  I was then so doped up, tired, weak and trying to nurse my baby.   It took me almost 2 weeks before I started to not feel weak and tired all the time.  I was able to recover quickly from my c-section and enjoy my baby girl.  My delivery experience was definitely not what I expected but my daughter was a wonderful reward for the traumatic experience.

Our lives have changed so dramatically from the carefree, young couple we were before she was born. We are parents and she is our daughter and our lives revolve around her.  Four years have passed and she has went from being a loud baby, to being a happy, outspoken, funny, intelligent, confident little girl. Happy Birthday Boo!  I am so proud and happy that you are in my life!




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