Most toddlers go through a very independent stage where they don’t want to hold your hand, but can not understand the dangers of why they can not run off. My son has entered this age. He used to be such a nice, calm boy who would happily hang out with me, but now he is too busy and wants to see everything at his pace, and does not want to be carried or hold onto my hand.

We were at the zoo last week and I did not have a stroller because I did not want to drag around an empty stroller so my kids can get some exercise. My son did not want to hold my hand, in fact when I tried to hold his hand he would lean away from me and hang there like dead weight, while I am holding his entire body weight by his wrist so he does not fall to the ground. To avoid walking around the whole day with a child being held up by his arm, I let him walk free. He all of a sudden decided he wanted to go see what was around the corner at his top speed. It is amazing how fast those little legs can move when he wants to! I first tried to slow him down by loudly calling for him to stop, but that did not work. Then I was the mom running after my toddler in public, while trying to make sure my older child follows the pursuit and quickly having to convince her to stop looking at the three banded armadillo and come along. Thankfully he knew that this is not a chase game, he stopped running so I was able to catch him. I got down nose to nose and told him that he has to stay by mom and he cant run away because it is dangerous.

Do I think that will be the last time he runs away? Not a chance, I think that I will chase my son occasionally for at least six more months until he is mature enough to understand that he has to stay by mom. It will be the same lesson I had to teach my daughter at the same age. She has learned that she can walk at a safe distance ahead of me but has learned that she has to stay close and be able to maintain eye contact and hear my voice at all times. Unfortunately, my son has not grasped this important safety point yet. We are going to be in an airport in a couple of weeks and I don’t want to lug around a stroller, but I am going through the internal battle if I want to be the parent with my toddler on a leash or not.

To clarify, is not really a leash, it is a monkey stuffed animal. harness, backpack with a four foot tether for an adult to hold onto, in order to keep your child close in public. It slides over his arms and has two buckles to keep it on him, along with adjustable straps and are soft. When you hold onto the tether and they take off, it slows down the child from the chest and the whole torso, not the neck or arm or any other dangerous place, and the stuffed animal monkey makes it look much more friendly to others.

Why do I consider not using it? When people who I assume did not have children saw my daughter wearing a harness they laughed or make snide remarks about me treating her like an animal. I know it is not only me who has gotten rude remarks, in public I have hard other people loudly criticize other parents walking around in public with their children wearing a harness as well. I clearly remember one man walking up to a mom asking her if her child has to eat on the floor like a dog too, I was horrified for her.

I decided that for the safety of my son and for the convenience of not having to abandon my daughter in public to chase after my toddler, I will harness my son. He may not like being contained by the tether any more than he likes holding onto my hand, but I will not be afraid of pulling his arm out of the socket when he decides to jerk away from me. I decided that I am much more vocal with my second child, and sure in my decisions than I was with my first. This time when someone makes a rude remark about my son being on a leash, I will just smile and reply, “You must not have kids, or you would understand!”

Every new mom receives tons of advice with the birth of your baby, be careful who you listen to. The parenting methods that may have been in style 35 years ago are not appropriate anymore. 35 years ago some pregnant moms smoke, drank, and ate whatever they wanted. Would any responsible pregnant woman risk damage to her fetus by smoking and drinking? No, because research has proven that it is not healthy! You should not use archaic methods of parenting either.

Research continually changes the recommendations and the best practices for the healthiest and best ways to care for your babies. Listening to someone who had a baby five years ago can already be outdated, imagine if you are taking advice from someone who has not had a baby in 30 years how outdated that advice is! There are some things that I had people recommend to me that are not only outdated but outright dangerous and maybe even be considered child endangerment or neglect by today’s standards.

There are things that people say in passing like put a little whiskey on their gums when they are teething or give them a little Benadryl to sleep on a plane. These things could be are horribly dangerous for a baby. I can’t imagine how many sleep deprived, uneducated parents just give it a try. Always ask your pediatrician before giving your newborn any medications, over the counter remedies and NEVER give your child alcohol!

Baby sleep position has changed completely from 30 years ago when parents were told to put babies to sleep on their stomachs, 15 years ago it was put your baby to sleep on their side and use a sleep positioner, now we are supposed to put our babies to sleep in a completely empty crib, with no bumpers, no pillows, no positioners while they are wearing a sleep sack. Research has proven sleeping on their back is now the safest method to prevent SIDS.

Car seat safety has dramatically changed, even 5 years ago it was OK to switch your car seat front facing at 1 year and 20 pounds, now it is recommended to keep your seat rear facing until 40 pounds or as long as your car seat will allow it. When I see people using outdated car seats or standard infant seats for a 2 year old with their legs dangling over the edge it makes me want to scream! Don’t use a lap bar or shield booster, they are all recalled or expired and could decapitate your child in an accident. Don’t accept a car seat as a hand me down! Don’t use a car seat that has been in a car accident or was manufactured more than 5 years ago. Car seats are made so much better today than they were 5 years ago, they are easier to use, they are safer. Your child is worth it.

It really gets me is when I hear people say, you don’t want to spoil your baby! Don’t hold it too much! Lay down your baby! It has been proven that you can not spoil a newborn, that instead it promotes a healthy self esteem for children to be held. In countries where babies are never put down but are carried constantly, those babies never cry and acid reflux does not exist.

Why are there are so many products that are aimed at newborns and under 20 pounds like bassinets, co-sleepers, cradles? It is because developmentally newborns don’t sleep for 8 hours at a time. These products help encourage nursing success because nursing babies digest breast milk faster than formula, and need to be fed every 2-3 hours when they are newborns. Even if you are not breastfeeding, your baby needs you more than you need your sleep at least until they are about 4 months old. Babies poop constantly even at night. You can’t leave a newborn baby laying in their waste all night long. Could you sleep while your feces burns a horrible diaper rash on your sensitive skin? You should not be trying to let a newborn Cry It Out. Leaving your baby to scream and cry for 1 hour until they fall asleep in exhaustion could be considered child neglect, so be careful. Do some research or ask your pediatrician before believing someone who tells you that it is OK to ignore a newborn and let them Cry it Out.

After nine months of pregnancy if it leaves you wanting to escape as soon as the baby is born is not healthy. Mothers who do not want to be around their babies may have postpartum depression. You are not supposed to be able to leave your newborn, it is maternal instinct and that instinct was developed through thousands of years to protect children from being abandoned by their parents to die. Don’t believe someone who tells you to go out and have fun and leave your kid right after your baby is born. You need that time to bond with your baby to establish a connection and your milk supply if you are nursing. Don’t believe someone who tells you it is OK to want to leave right after your baby is born, talk to your doctor instead to rule out postpartum depression.

Your life has changed, you are the Mom now! You need do the research and find out if you are doing the safest, best things for your baby based upon research. You should not believe someone who gives you advice based upon the way they parented their own children 5 to 50 years ago. When it comes to raising your infant do the research, read parenting books, articles and magazines and talk to your pediatrician.

No matter how much I wish I was the energizer bunny of moms that never needs a break, I know it simply is not true. There are days where I need to take an extra few minutes in the bathroom to get some space and regroup. I treasure nap times when I get them, and also love the hour or two that I spend up after the kids go to bed. As a stay at home mom I don’t get the adult interaction every day, don’t get the 8 hours each day away from my kids so that I am excited to see them when I pick them up in the evening. No matter how much I enjoy being a stay at home mom, every once in a while I need a break away from my home and children. I think as mothers we need realize that we may be better moms when we take some time to ourselves to remember what we enjoy to do besides just spend time with our children. It not only can teach our children the importance of friendships and having your own interests, it also gives you something to talk about with your spouse, and gives you the opportunity to look forward to seeing your children after a short separation.

I have a supportive husband and a wonderful family who happily offer to take my kids so I can get a break when I need it. The other weekend I did not just recharge and relax I also had fun with my friends. I woke up, fed my kids breakfast, drank my morning coffee, kissed the kids goodbye, packed up the car and took off a few miles down the road for a solid twenty four hours of uninterrupted time. We had a scrap booking day and overnight planned at a local hotel with my friends and fellow scrap bookers. I am not a super scrap booker, but I think it is fun to work with my hands and create projects with like minded creative women. I enjoy devoting endless hours creating something without my kids “helping” wanting to do it too, or wanting to steal my scissors and hide it somewhere around the house. I made some fun scrapbook pages and used the time to get my kids baby books up to date.

We laughed, listened to music, snacked on appetizers and deserts, drank some cocktails and enjoyed each others company. After we all had a full 12 hours of scrap booking we packed it up, and spent some time laughing and telling stories and stayed up much too late. We slept in surprisingly comfortable beds in the hotel rooms and woke up, ate continental breakfast then went swimming in the hotel pool and the hot tub. I was home by 10 AM and I was so excited to see my kids after being away for twenty four hours! I was able to appreciate the time away from my children, away from my husband, spent with my friends, doing something creative. I call that a successful recharge of the mom batteries.

Nobody wants their child be the youngest, most inexperienced, most immature child in a grade, everyone wants their kid to be the Biggest, Best, Smartest and Oldest. Humans are competitive from the time our children are born, we compare weights, how quickly they crawl, talk, walk, and I think this competitiveness is extending into when people are sending their children to Kindergarten. I think the decision that these people are holding their children back a year will make a difference in the children who are starting school on time, and ramifications of this decision extends far beyond kindergarten.

I know five boys that are being held back from starting Kindergarten on time. Of these 5 people who are selecting to hold their sons back 1 year, they all have different reasoning. Such as their boys were born in the summer, their boys are immature, their boys are small for their age, their boys are hyperactive, all of these boys will have one extra year to hone their skills over the other boys and girls who start school on schedule. You say do they only have summer birthdays? No! They have birthdays in January, March, April, and two have summer birthdays. Why do I care? All of these kids are the same birth year as my daughter who has a summer birthday and will graduate from high school at age 17. I feel that my daughter is developmentally prepared to start school, but she is less mature and less physically skilled than children who’s birthdays are 6-8 months earlier than hers. Imagine how far behind she will be to a child that is one to one and a half years older than her like those who will be held back for a whole year.

My daughter is pretty smart for a 4 1/2 year old, she is tall for her age, friendly and outgoing. She is not as mature or as bossy as the girls who are 6-9 months older than her. She is not as skilled at art, coloring and cutting as girls 6-9 months older. My niece who is 6.5 months older is a greatcolor-er, she can blend colors, always stays in the lines, matches hats with shirts on her coloring pages, while my daughter is not an exceptionally good color-er . My daughter has months to catch up with the coloring skill but she is still right on track with her developmental age. In six months kids grow and mature exponentially.

Kids are expected to all be at the same level no matter if they are born in September 5 or August 5 a year later when Kindergarten starts, they are graded against one another, all practice the same skills, coloring, math, reading, writing, science and athletics. If they are playing catch up in kindergarten to match the skills of those around them how is that going to transfer to subsequent grades? How will that affect their skills testing scores? How will it affect their advanced level class test scores?

In our school district we have a program called Anthenium where the excelled students are put in their own advanced school, they have their own budget and grant money to give these advanced students benefits that the other general public school students do not receive such as a laptop for each student, along with a curriculum that challenges them and puts them even further ahead of the regularly educated public school students. Lets carry this age advantage to middle school when they separate the students by advanced writing, math, science courses. Those students are now predestined to be enrolled in the advanced high school courses and Advanced Placement college credit classes in high school. These students are given higher opportunity for weighted grade point averages, given more opportunities to shine on college entrance applications. Will these kids who are older and more advanced than those children who are academically on track for their correct age, put the rest of our children at a disadvantage?

Lets look at other reasons people hold their children back. A woman in swimming lessons is choosing to hold her son back because he is little, and she does not want her son to be the smallest one in his grade. For boys this can be a huge advantage to not being the smallest physically. My brother was one of the oldest in his grade and the biggest, being born in October. He was always physically coordinated, bigger, picked for teams first, he was an excellent athlete and fast runner. How would this have changed if he was born in July and the smallest in his class? Would he have had such great luck in sports, would this have changed his friend groups if he chose not to participate in sports because he was not as good as other kids and did not enjoy hockey, baseball, football? I am sure it would have.

What about the people who want their kids to be the leaders, does leadership possibly stem from age, size and physical presence? It might take more for a small kid to get noticed than a tall kid. With an extra 6 months experience being a leader it can dramatically change a friend group as who is the leader and who are the followers, this leadership role can be very challenging to change as kids get older especially if the oldest and biggest child is usually in charge and calling the shots.

I was born in July and graduated high school at age 17, I also graduated college at 21. I was always one of the youngest kids in my grade and the smallest. I was never the smartest, I was never the most outgoing, I was more of a follower because my friends were older, bigger and wiser than I was. They lost their teeth first, they matured and got their periods first, they may have been better at math, they may have been better athletes than me because their coordination was 1 year more advanced. All of these things that combined may have put me at a disadvantage from being number one in my class, from being good at track and field events, from being able to express myself with writing essays. I would not go back and want to be held back a year and graduate 1 year older. I love being able to say I purchased my first house at 22 after I finished college at 21. I love that I had a whole extra year to fulfill my goals before I had children.

We all want to provide the best opportunities for our children by giving them a strong foundation with all of the possibilities open to them. Sometimes competitiveness and desire for our children to be the best can make people make difficult ethical decisions such as people choosing to hold their children back so they are the oldest in their class. I hope that this trend of people wanting their children to be the Biggest, Best, Smartest, Oldest in the class can be controlled, and that it does not negatively affect my children who will be starting school on schedule and on time.

In my younger days I was carefree and laid back. I only had to answer to myself and chose to live my life to the fullest. We traveled regularly and I took any opportunity to go on vacation. After I turned 18 but before I had my daughter, I took 8 trips to Mexico, 7 trips to Florida, 5 trips to Vegas, 5 trips to Arizona, and I tanned on all of them. When you live in Minnesota and you don’t get to feel the warmth of the sun on your face for months, you get pretty excited to feel Mr. Golden Sun. Feel the sun I definitely did! I always wore sunscreen, yep a whole whopping SPF4. I felt pretty good about myself since some of my vacation buddies wore no sunscreen or just plain tanning oil.

Tanning on vacation was not the extent of it, you had to prep to go on vacation which meant tanning sessions, I convinced myself I was using the high power beds with lower UVB Rays and I was protecting myself from getting burnt on vacation and helping me to fit in with the locals. Honestly, most of the locals were not as tan as I was when I arrived, but there were the few tan ones. Tan ones like the woman I met in Arizona that had spent a full two weeks in the sunshine and laying in the pool from sun up to sundown working on her tan. She was white woman who ended up the color of milk chocolate, yes I envied her at the time, thankfully I never was able to match that tan.

I wish it was as simple as only tanning on those trips and in preparation for those trips. I also fully enjoyed every possible minute outdoors in the Minnesota sunshine. Believe it or not, but Minnesotans can get a mean tan in the summertime. Maybe it has to do with sitting by the dark water of our land of 10,000 lakes that helps bring on the tan, or sitting out on our lovely lush green lawns, but whatever it is, I learned very well that my skin can brown with the best of them!

I gave myself every excuse in the book as to why I could continue to tan. Some of my excuses were, I have extra melanin that makes me tan due to my dark complexion and have never had a serious sunburn so I wont get skin cancer. We have so little sun year round that we need to stock up on Vitamin D in the summertime so I can’t apply too much sunscreen. We only have 4 good tanning months so in comparison to people who live in the south where they can tan year round, I will be safe. Whatever my excuse, I wish I would not have made them.

Now I am 33 years old and I am starting to develop wrinkles. I have to see a dermatologist annually to get mole checks and get moles removed, which is not a glamorous experience. I feel guilty when I get sun now, I wear hormone free SPF 20 on my face every single day even in the winter. In the summer I apply suntan lotion with sunscreen after my showers so I have some protection in case I am outside without sunscreen. I want to lead by example for my children, not just by how I keep them protected from the sun.

Why do I wish I could go back in time? Do I have skin cancer? Not yet. Because of Wrinkles? Not really, I am not that vain. But instead because If I could have possibly convinced the younger me to be more careful I would save myself the discomfort of getting moles removed, save myself the humiliation of having to make excuses to my dermatologist, saved myself from developing hundreds of small moles and freckles all over my skin and irreparable sun damage. I wish I could take back the 100 plus trips to the tanning salon, now that research has found that it is much more damaging than actual sun exposure. Do I want to swear off sun and come back from vacations pale? Absolutely not, but I am going to do everything in my power to never have sore shoulders from too much sun exposure in the future. I will never use SPF 4 again, I am going to use SPF 15-30 now, I simply can’t bring myself to use SPF 50 yet.

I will hopefully pass on a healthy respect of the sun to my children who currently don’t get to go outside in the summertime without being slathered with hormone free SPF 50 sunscreen. They may be the palest kids on the beach, but that is OK. I am sure they will make mistakes and get sunburns when it is their choice to do so, but maybe in the back of their head they will think about applying sunscreen after the shower like mom did, and maybe if I am really lucky, they wont want to turn back time when they are 33.